the #1 way to connect with your teen

Parents ask me all the time - what’s one thing I can do to enhance my connection with my teenager?
My answer: Validation. But what does validation really mean, and why should you embrace it?

what is validation ?

Validation is seeing your teenager's reactions or feelings as both real and important even if those feelings of viewpoints differ from your own. When we validate, we connect to our teen’s experience and, in turn, they feel a sense of connection. Sure, this sounds simple but in practicality it can feel really hard. Here’s a test: 
When your teen comes home and vents about their teacher who took off five points from their assignment because they turned it in ONE day late… What's your gut response?

Well, if you're anything like me it takes everything in me to prevent my immediate response from being “what happened? Why was it late?” or “Well, you did know she is strict” When we respond to the teens who we love with responses that aren’t rooted in validation it leads to disconnection. This response, although they may feel helpful because I’m attempting to support my child in learning a lesson, it makes my teen want to move away instead of towards me. 

So let’s try this again. Can you disagree with your child’s viewpoint that their teacher is being unfair? Yes. Can you also want to teach them a lesson about the importance of following directions, turning things in on time, etc. ? Also yes. If your goal, however, is connection, a validating response may sound like this: “Ugh I know how well you wanted to do on that paper. How do you feel about your final grade?”

what validation isn’t :

Sometimes we think that to connect with someone means simply to make them happy, but validation isn’t saying yes to everything, not setting boundaries, or doing things just to make your child happy.

A validating response does NOT mean you have to shift your boundary or gut decision as a parent. Remember, all it means is you have to believe your child feels the way they do and communicate to them their experience is real and valid (even if you don’t agree or don’t understand why they feel that way?”

Here are some common ways of responding that feel supportive that aren’t validation

• Offering solutions
  “Have you thought of this?” “Why don’t you talk to your teacher about it?

• Explaining it away
  “I do trust you.. I’m doing this because…”

• Trying to “convince” your teen out of their feeling
  “It won’t be so bad! We can get ice cream afterwards.” 

All of these responses to our teen’s expression of emotions, in theory, feel supportive. But because teens often feel misunderstood, these responses have the effect of leading to teens wanting to move away from parents rather than towards. If you want to build connection, try shifting away from these responses and responding with validation. 

validation in action :

Scenario 1: Your teen wants to go to a party where you know there will be drinking and no supervision. When you tell them they can’t go, they tell you you’re being completely unfair, and that you don’t trust them.
Instead of: “We’ve talked about this. A parent needs to be home if you’re going to a party.”
Try: “I get it. It really sucks to feel like you can’t do something that everyone else your age is doing. My number one job as your parent is to keep you safe. This is one of those moments. If I were you, I’d be mad too.”

Scenario 2: Your 13-year-old is upset because she has to miss soccer practice because she has a doctor's appointment.
Instead:“You’ll be able to go back tomorrow. Your coach will understand.”
Try: “Missing something important to you is never easy. It makes sense you’re upset.” 

Coming up with a validating response on the fly can be tricky, especially when we are wired to think that support = solving problems. Here’s some of my favorite lines to validate your teens feelings, especially in those moments you’re not sure what to say:

“I get it. That makes sense.”

“I hear you. I believe it feels that way.”

“I’m glad you’re talking about this. Thanks for telling me how you feel.”

to sum it up :

Validation may seem like a small gesture, but it holds incredible power in your relationship with your teenager. By acknowledging their feelings and experiences, you not only deepen your connection but also create an environment of trust and understanding. In a world where they might often feel misunderstood, your validation can be a lifeline of support.

As you embrace this approach, remember that your goal isn’t to solve their problems but to be there as they navigate the ups and downs of adolescence. Through validation, you’re not just a parent; you’re a guiding light, helping them grow into confident and emotionally intelligent adults. And that connection? It’s something that will last a lifetime.